Legolas the Agoney AuntUncle
by jrose452
Summary: Well this is just a bit of fun so don't take it too seriously, I really do like LotR so hope to slag the fellowship off equally and leave no one out!


Just a bit of fun lots of Lembas products for all uses! Err I own Legolas and make him do my Lembas bidding Hahahahahahaahahahaahahaha!  
  
Legolas G. becomes an agony aunt /uncle but he's not quiet sure which.  
  
Inbox for Legolas (hot boy) Organic Toilet paper: You have received and sent (no) messages.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: aloadoffireabigholeindaground.com  
  
Dear Legolas, Please help me,  
  
I'm very disturbed I fell in love with this very fine lady and she just isn't interested in me. I've tried everything, I've tried flattery, presents, stalking, jewelry and hobbit offering but she just interested in me any more.  
  
Before we used to run around shoeless in the woods and she would whisper sweet nothings in my ear and chop bits of her wig off for me to keep safe and to always think of here.  
  
But now with all this death she just isn't interested in me any more she say's it's my fault I shouldn't eat so many beans they give me wind. And I say it was a traditional welsh minors song to serenade her in her sleep and that it had to be loud because she does choose to live at 1 Big Ass tree, top floor, your not going to reach me you smelly boy.  
  
How else is she to hear me? Please help me Mr. Bog-role I need your help. From- A very unhappy midget with a big chopping thing. Aka Groin's son  
  
To: aloadoffireabigholeindaground.com From: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelflandand,r,us.com  
  
Dear Groin's son, that's a very difficult question that I don't think I can answer, you see I have so many woman trying to get my attention that there just isn't enough hours in a day to satisfy them all even with my supper quick reflexes.  
  
As you must have already noticed I am very, very sleek and sexy and no one can out do my hotness and there fore I have no idea what to do for you. All I can suggest is to go and have a big shave and die your hair blonde but leave you eyebrows really dark to make it obvious you've been hitting the bottle.  
  
Then run around in a nancy-boy up right position only moving your legs and where lots and lots of hair gel. The running is so that your sleek and sexy looks aren't altered by any movement of your neck and the mass of hair gel is because, well you create lots of wind!  
  
Hmm, (thinking doesn't happen often!) but not to worry I can give you something for that wind. Lembas anti-wind trouble perfect for those embarrassing farting moments. It should help you there but I think you are going to need lots of it mate.  
  
From- The hottest elf you'll ever meet, that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: mightykingwithfatfacedwomanbyhis,sidebighillwithnotmuchleft.com  
  
Dear Mr. Head and shoulders, no knees nor toes,  
  
I have had a very personal and embarrassing problem. People say I have bad hair but it doesn't matter what I do to it I can never get it right.  
  
If I leave it to its own devices I look silly and wild my hair gets really greasy and cloggy. But when I try and use shampoo it goes all fluffy and I get terrible dandruff so that's no good either, I have very sensitive skin you see.  
  
I bet you never knew that but I'm a very sensitive and shy man and this hair problem is making me very insecure with my self. I really don't know what to do and your hair always looks so fine no matter what happens to you, how do you do it!  
  
From- A very insecure king of a bit of a SH1T hole to be honest!  
  
To: mightykingwithafatfacedwomanbyhis,sidebighillwithnotmuchleft.com From: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear Mr. mighty king with bad hair, I can see two very big problems with you from this email.  
  
1 you are obviously deranged thinking you can be as hot with hair as I can but I promise to do my best. Another point that shows you are a bit deranged is the way you opened you letter and I quote;  
  
'Dear Mr. head and shoulders, no knees nor toes'.  
  
May I ask if insanity is ever present in you long line of father's. Have any of them got madly obsessed over something that they can not control and jumped off a big hill burning like a super fireball?  
  
My second view of your problems is that perhaps you need to try Hot elf boy shampoo it contains very secret ingredients but promises to make your hair both smooth and shinny, flake free and almost perfect in every way.  
  
But it also comes in ultra sensitive range with moisturizing 'hello Vera Duckworth additives'! If this doesn't work all I can suggest is rinse properly with cold water and use babylisshus straightening ions.  
  
And if this also fails invest in some over sizes outrageous hats and never let any one see your head (That's what JK did from my advice!) Good luck with the hair.  
  
From- The hottest elf you'll ever meet that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: ohmygodI,mawimpbagend.com  
  
Dear Mr. sexy cuddles, I have a bit of a problem that I can't really mention to Sam down the pub coz he's happily married and wouldn't understand. When we all go down to the Brandy River, me Pip n Merry n Sam all usually end up stripping off and jumping in the river. I've been teaching my faithful Sam how to swim and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not gay. Hope you can help me I think Sam's so hot? Nearly as hot as you are!  
  
From- Mr. Whimpy pants P.S Can I please ask for your discretion don't want the world knowing I'm that way, you should understand.  
  
To: ohmygodI,mawhimpbagend.com From: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear Mr. Whimpy pants,  
  
I can relate to your problem in a way and I will do the best I can to help you that is why you can count on me is it not. Or is it because I'm such a dashing young elf, with looks to compare to know one else, I'm so hot I can understand how it can turn any one into a wuffter.  
  
Perhaps you should think about all the good points and all the bad points about your faithful servant who will do anything for you. You should talk to Sam and see if you really do like him or if actually he is an over fat, stupid hobbit who the only thing he ever loves is his food wherever it has come from.  
  
But I think you would be much better having hot thoughts about a certain very hot blonde elf who you already know and trust so very well. This may help you in the mean time it's called Lembas puffume it helps you attract those that you want near you and rebel's those that you don't I use it all the time to control my screaming fans but it does have the side affect of making your hair slightly shinny and sweet smelling. But you can hardly call that a bad thing now can you!  
  
From- The hottest elf you'll ever meet that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: Ilovemrfrodobagendspyinginthebathroomwindow.com  
  
Dear Mr. Apparently hot elf but never shows his face in public after plucking too much of one eyebrow!  
  
I'm not sure if this is a problem but I have noticed a big change in Mr. Frodo and not just because of the whole fire and mount doom thing.  
  
He doesn't seem to leave me alone, I thought I was the master of all tagging alone where sometimes I'm not wanted (okay often not wanted). I can't even go to the bathroom without him standing by the window trying to look in. I know you have been talking to him because I often flick through his e- mails but he caught me before I could read your last couple of e-mails. I'm not spying I just don't like to see big changes in MY Mr. Frodo he means a lot to ME and if there is something the matter then I!!!!!! WOULD LIKE TO KNOW!!!!!!!  
  
From- Some one who isn't a fat stupid hobbit with bad breath as some might say but a caring best friend who would do anything for HIS BELOVED Mr. Frodo.  
  
To: Ilovemrfrodobagendspyinginthebathroomwindow.com From: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear Mr. I love Mr. Frodo,  
  
I think that with my vast elfish knowledge (with a history of only getting past year 2 at primary school to year three!!! Shock horror!!!) that you should sit down and talk to Mr. Frodo and try and spend some quality time with him.  
  
Let Frodo know that it's okay to open up and talk to you and make him feel safe again in your arms or whenever he's got his Sam around.  
  
But this may help things it's called Lembas weed, you smoke it and it helps relax a person into having a more comfortable conversation about sensitive stuff but you didn't get it from me!!!!  
  
From- The hottest man you'll ever meet that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: mightykingwithfatfacedwomanbyhis,sidebighillwithnotmuchleft.com  
  
Dear Mr. head and shoulders, no knees nor toes,  
  
I'm sorry to report that it's not working very well and it's having terrible side affect that I can not name on such an insecure line without doing a test and that would involve me telling some one else my problem. My hair has less dandruff but it also still looks wild even when I use the babylisshus straightening ions and the moisturizing hello Vira Duckwerth stuff. I'm afraid I must be a lost cause and need help drastically. I think some of my subjects are starting to notice and I'm paranoid that they are deliberately finding reasons to make me take one of my many triad mark over sized hats off. I wish I could have such lovely hair as you. If I knew that you at least once in your extremely long life time have had a bad hair day it would make me feel so much better about my self.  
  
From- A very insecure king of a bit of a SH1T hole to be honest.  
  
To: mightykingwithfatfacedwomanbyhis,sidebighillwithnotmuchleft.com From: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear Mr. mighty king with bad hair,  
  
I promise I will find a way to sort your hair out even if it's the last thing I ever do or I die trying to make it lie flat. No I haven't, never in my whole life time have I ever had a bad hair day and I never will I pride myself on having perfect hair that will never falter. I will beat this for you mighty king do not despair I will help you, but I feel I much seek a higher more powerful lord of the hair care range to do it. Yes I know it sounds drastic but drastic problems like your hair call for drastic measures, I must go in search of the creator of the very first hair care product. In the meantime you must keep using your the babylisshus straightening ions and the moisturizing hello Vira Duckwerth hair care while I find the solution to this drastic problem.  
  
But first I must get some more nacey Lembas hair gel from the store tree before I tragically run out.  
  
From- The hottest man you'll ever meet that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: aloadoffireabigholeindaground.com  
  
Dear Leggy, No I don't think your the hottest elf ever but I do agree you spend more time on your looks than you have brain cells. I think that the lady of light is the fairest, the greatest, the most handsomest person in the whole universe but I just don't feel it any more. I don't seem to have the same charisma as I used to for the hot lady. Please help me, is this is supposed to be your knew way to make friends.  
  
From- A very unhappy midget with a big chopping thing. Aka Groin's son  
  
To: aloadoffireabigholeindaground.com From: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear Groin's son, it pains me to see you in such a depressed state my dear Groin's son but there is only one thing I can offer you and that is to help with the charisma trouble.  
  
Why don't you try some 'stop that limpness Lembas, limbo it back up a tree'. It is a very useful product but make sure you don't use too much at once because it may cause permanent damage and be quite uncomfortable when no willing lady is around (or man if you swing from trees that way!)  
  
From- Still the hottest and I mean the HOTTEST ELF you'll ever meet that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganictoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: Arwentheverysexyloverbighillwithnotmuchleft.com  
  
Dear Mr. perfectos hair mania, I am very worried about my dear Aragorney he seams so distant and odd at the moment.  
  
He refuses to come out of our room and show his face and spends all his time either hiding under the covers or walking around with a ridicules pink fluffy hobbit hat that is far too small. I just don't know what the matter is with him. I'm not sure if I should say this but he's been having trouble (in confidence) with his (ego) it used to be sooo big and he was always boasting about things but now I've seen hide nor hair of his (ego) for days he just lie's like he's you know in denial or something. This is a side of him that I've never seen of him. Please help me help my darling Aragorney I'm getting very frustrated at the moment and I don't know what to do what with his big (ego) missing!  
  
From- An almost perfect haired elf but not quiet because of the dam wind at the top of this dam hill I have to live on!!!  
  
To: Arwentheverysexyloverbighillwithnotmuchleft.com From: LegolasOrganitoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear almost perfect haired elf but that damm wind, I think that you should just continue to be a supportive wife and let me help Aragorn.  
  
He is going through a very difficult time at the moment and he needs our help. From what I can tell you and what I think you already know is that Aragorn seems to be very self conscious and lacks a lot of self esteem all because of his hair so has been seeking my guidence.  
  
In the mean time why don't you try complimenting him with things like. 'Wow you look almost as hot as Legolas today dear!' Or perhaps 'Don't worry I married you because I think your just right for me no one can be as hot as that elf Legolas so don't put your self down about it.'  
  
Well you get the picture in the meantime another thing to help you is why don't you try putting this Lembas pick-you up tea into his daily meal and see what the results are.  
  
From - Still the hottest and I mean the HOTTEST ELF you'll ever meet that definitely has better looks than brains.  
  
To: LegolasOrganitoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com From: pipidy-doodarr-pipideydayhotlady'sbed.com  
  
Dear (never mind) Guess what I've met this hot lady elf and she thinks I'm so sexy, can you believe it! She wispers sweet nothings in my ear and we run bearfooted across the grass and all the loving stuff before spending an exausting night.  
  
Wow! She has so much energy, even Aragorn could stand this much lovin! Well just checking in, actually just bragging off but have to go I'm been called from the bed! Wow........................  
  
From – Oh my god she's so hot!  
  
To: pipidy-doodarr-pipideydayhotlady'sbed.com From: LegolasOrganitoiletpaperhotelfland,r,us.com  
  
Dear, Mr. Oh my god, Pippin is that you!  
  
No boy turn that web cam off I don't want to see!! ARRRRRRRRRR! My eyes it burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!! SOME ON HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Well thanks for reading will do some more, review if you can be bothered or think it's worth it thanks! 


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